We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
