She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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