This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
