just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
