at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
