they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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