i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize