I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I puked a lego.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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