I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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