Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
