I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
