mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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