If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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