You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
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Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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