I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
