They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
