my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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