im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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