dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
