i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
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I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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