hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
there is glitter all over my balls
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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