I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
