Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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