I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
