i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
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Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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