The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize