saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
