If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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