you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
