i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
