Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
