guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
