I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
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He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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