I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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