one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
