dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ugly people sure do ruin things
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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