I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
