Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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