After last night, I could never be a politician.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
