my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
