Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
