I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
