How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
