i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Someone shattered a urinal.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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