i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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