Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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