when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
