Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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