I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
