Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
