I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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