Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
