hotel room ftw
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
