you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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