Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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