Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
